A hole in my heart created a gap in my life continued…
<<<Continued from A Hole in my Heart
Early on a Tuesday morning, approximately 1 am, mom received a call from Aunt Debbie. Auntie said with urgency and fear, “You and your siblings need to get here now! Your mother coded, but they brought her back! Just get here now!” I could only imagine what my mother’s reaction was on that Tuesday morning. Mom was probably terrified, fearful, confused, devastated and panicking. My poor dad usually gets up at 2:30 am to be to work at 4:30 am. Mom had to wake him up in the worst way. Mom had to throw on some clothes and dad called work so he could transport her there as soon as possible. Thankfully, he was able to do that because there is no way in the world she would have been able to drive for an hour and a half in such state of mind. My mother’s sister that lives in the same city was already on the way there. My mother notified me of everything and told me to tell my brothers. My uncle wasn’t able to make it right away but he made it there when he could. What a dizzy and blurry week! Mom had to go back and forth to Georgia. At the time, my parents were renting a home and finally decided to move to another house. My dad talked to the Landlord for an extension for the house to be cleaned. A few more days was needed, so that it could all be done.
There was one more procedure that the doctor’s felt that needed to take place to give them more answers. They had to get her stabilized for her to be able to make it through the procedure. It was mainly her kidneys and clotting her blood. Grandma had a (heart) bipass surgery years ago and had to be on blood thinners for the rest of her life so blood can flow freely. Because of her being on blood thinners, they needed to thicken her blood or she would completely bleed out on the operating table. They were able to get her numbers up to par for her to be clear for the operation. The doctors believed a portion of her colon was dead. If so, they would remove it and replace it with a colon bag. But the surgeons warned my mother and her two siblings, that she probably won’t be able to live much longer after this operation. This is a freakin Lose- Lose situation. But we needed the answers anyway.
Thursday around 5 pm, I had just left an appointment and I received a phone call from my dad. He wanted to give me an update on grandma’s status. It’s like my dad heard so much from my mom that he couldn’t tell me much. He retained the information, but you know guys like to keep it simple and straight to the point if possible. All he could tell me was, “The next step for your grandma could be hospice, but they would have to remove her breathing tube. She may not hold up much afterwards.” Around 6 pm, I went over to the house to help with whatever I could. On the way over there, my big brother called me and nearly yelled at me with the sound of sadness and urgency in his voice, “Come see Grandma tonight.” I tried telling him I will come Saturday after work. “Sis! She might not make it to Saturday!” Oh God, I was so angry and frustrated, I had to quickly end the call with him. But I wasn’t angry with my brother. I was angry because I was confused and trying wrap my mind on what I should do next. How do you prepare yourself to visit someone before they take their last breath? I was stalling trying to come up with any excuse I could, because I didn’t want to see grandma in this way. I’m very intuitive and I can see what others normally can not see. I didn’t want to see or feel my grandmother in this way; so close to death.
Helpless, lost, anxious, confused, hurt, crushed and basically to the point I could fall onto my knees, cry the bitter tears and totally release a roar of an agonizing scream to the point of my lungs collapsing.
Before I arrived to my parents place to meet dad and clean, I had to call my Cedro. I had to tell someone I was scared and confused and I was still trying to use my car as an excuse of needing to rotate my tires and getting my oil changed. He tried to talk some sense into me and calm me down.
“Babe, your car will be fine. It’s only an hour and a half drive. Your car will make it. Your Grandma probably won’t. You need to go to Georgia and be with grandma.”
My big brother already said that to me when I talked to him minutes ago when I was throwing every excuse at him. With fear and uncertainty grabbing at my throat, “Really? You think so???”
“Babe! Go see grandma.”
I could hear him being more than certain but with calmness in his voice. Thankfully, Cedro knew exactly how to keep me calm in my storm just being a friend and talking me through it. I finally arrived at the other house to help finish cleaning with dad. He did such a great job clearing the house. I bet he was tired doing all of that cleaning after work and communicating with mom. My conversation with dad: “Baby girl, you really need to go to Georgia. I don’t know how much longer she can hold on.” He also reassured me about my car. “Yes sir, I’ll go tonight and drive back tomorrow morning to go to work.” Then, he asked, “Do you need me go to with you?” OOOOooh my gosh! That is exactly what I needed! He probably doesn’t know how I needed that. Just to hear him say that to me meant so much. At that moment, I was able to breath. We quickly drove to the other house and emptied our vehicles, got something to eat and we went to Georgia.
I am struggling typing with tears trying and to breath through this.
I chose to drive first and dad told me to pull over when I was ready to switch so I could relax a little and eat. I hardly ate anything that day with this situation weighing heavy on my mind. Trying my best to be focused on the road, I didn’t realize how exhausted (mentally fatigued) and hungry I was. As we were approaching a familiar halfway mark, my dad asked if I was ready. “Yes sir, I am.” I pulled over at CVS parking lot and quickly switched seats. I could remember the smell of my fish quesadillas filing up the car. I was salivating and ready to chow down. I was able to open up to my dad about what I saw in my recent dream the day before. My dad quieted himself and was being very attentive. He knows and understands my dreams/visions are quite accurate. “Baby girl, what did you see in your dream?”
My dream: I believe I was at your house (the new one) surrounded by boxes. All of a sudden, I looked and realized I was at grandma’s house cleaning. Then, I was in my apartment making a funeral wreath for grandma.
“Dad, you know I just started making wreaths and trying different things. But a funeral wreath??? It’s not like I see funeral wreaths on a daily basis. Why out of all things would I dream about this?” I was still confused of what or why I saw that in my dream. Or just maybe I was in denial. *sigh
We arrived at the hospital at 12:30 am and met my mother, niece and nephew at the entrance. *Thank God for the gift of children.* They brought a big smile on my face and eased my heart. They ran towards us with excitement. “Papa! Auntie!” They wrapped their little arms around us and gave us kisses. We walked through the long hospital halls with white and shiney waxed sterile floor to the Critical Care unit (CCU) to grandma’s room. I looked down and realized my 4 year old nephew was leading us. I began adoring how cute he is and amazed that he has such great memory. As we were entering the CCU, he placed his finger over his lips and told us we must “shhhhh….” He was a perfect distraction for me. I was so nervous, but I had to focus on him.
*Sometimes, I am able to sense those who have deceased. That sense (of seeing, hearing & feeling) is heightened in places such as the hospitals.
Just a few more steps and we are all standing outside of her room. The sound of my heartbeat grew louder into my ears. My body was trembling and I felt frozen and struggled to take another step further. My eyes were in a battle of fighting tears and starring with wide and fearful eyes. [Oh God! I don’t want to get any closer. I’m afraid of my reaction. I don’t know if I will faint, burst out with tears, scream, run…?] Before I could take another full breath, my big brother came over and wrapped his arms around me. Oh I am so thankful to be consumed in his warm and comforting embrace [big brother’s bear hugs]. Then, a weird feeling came over me. My heart was beating irregularly and weakness became of me. Oh no! I think I’m going down; feeling faint again. My brother squeezed me a little tighter. Maybe it’s because he felt my sadness making me weak, but that squeeze snapped me out of it.
Everyone was trying to encourage me to go over to her bedside and talk to her. I was terribly nervous and it was more than obvious. I looked around at everyone with sadness and confused on where to place my hands. My hands were going everywhere [in my pockets, under my armpits, my head or cover my face, place my hands over my stomach from being nauseous or over my heart because of the pain that aches me]. Here I stand and there she lies totally sedated. The doctor explained to if she was awake (post surgery), she would be in extreme pain and it would cause her heart rate to hit the roof which is dangerous being a heart patient.
Grandma can’t respond to me…(sigh).
I started making tiny steps towards her bedside. I stopped and looked over to my mom to see her give me a small nod. I had no choice but to swallow all of my fear and hold it in like an expanded belly full of flatulence. Her face, hands and stomach were swollen to the max. I gently placed my right hand on her right hand. My shaken voice could only whisper, “Hey grandma. I finally made it here.” I felt her move her finger and my heart started beating faster at the same time I noticed the slight increase of her heart monitor…
I am standing beside her in complete shock and feeling like my brain had become stale like bread. I was not able to process this. Trying remain calm enough not to make the children feel uncomfortable, I just stood frozen on the outside and trembling on the inside. Her (spirit) presence was felt although she was completely (physically) sedated. I decided to speak quietly to her with sincere words from my heart.
“Grandma, you have seen a lot and experienced both great and horrible things over the years of your life that were said and unsaid. You have sacrificed so much for us. For every thing you have done and every prayer, Thank you.”
There was more said, but this is what I will share. Or what I can bare to share.
*Right now, I’m glad my tissue box was within arm’s reach. This is difficult*
When I felt like I could say no more, I slowly took a few steps back. I saw everyone in her room, looked over at her machines as they would make their own beeping noises. At that very moment, I felt powerless. I couldn’t do anything for my dear grandmother to get her out of this situation and the worst part was not hearing her voice. I wanted her to just open her eyes for a moment and say something to me. But I couldn’t be selfish enough to ask God for that. This was of her last hours. She needs all the rest she can get from all the suffering of the aches, pains, discomfort and negative crap life threw at her. I believe she fought with all that she had.
I looked over to my right and asked my dad If I could sit next to him. I just need to sit down. I was trembling too much. It was hard for me to even think about crying because of my young nieces and nephews being present.
Next to my father, there I sat…